NAVY ADMITS IT'S OUT OF BOATS, STILL HAS PLENTY OF STERN EMAILS LEFT
Pentagon says America can defend the world or the homeland, but the budget only covers a strongly worded memo to both.
The U.S. Navy confirmed this week that while it remains fully committed to defending Israel, protecting the homeland, and maintaining global order, it has run out of the one thing all three require: actual boats. A leaked briefing slide intended to illustrate destroyer availability reportedly showed nothing but a small rubber duck labeled 'PLACEHOLDER HULL,' floating alone in a PowerPoint ocean. Officials say the duck has since been reassigned to the Mediterranean.
'Readiness remains conceptually at one hundred percent,' said Pentagon spokesperson Dale Ferrow, straightening a tie made entirely of contingency plans. 'It's just that destroyer availability is more of a lifestyle choice at this point. Some days we choose presence. Other days we choose paperwork.' Asked whether ballistic missiles could be politely asked to wait for the next fiscal quarter, Ferrow said the department was 'exploring all options, especially the cheap ones.'
Anchorman Ron Rugundy closed the segment gripping his desk like it owed him a carrier group. 'I'm not going to sugarcoat this,' he said. 'I don't know how. We built the mightiest Navy in human history, and it turns out the mightiest Navy in human history needs a nap.' Rugundy then proposed a simple fix: ask Iran to schedule any future missile launches during standard business hours, Eastern Time, 'so everybody who's still on duty can actually show up.'
