META ORDERED TO PAY $567 MILLION, WHICH IT WILL EARN BACK BEFORE THE APOLOGY VIDEO FINISHES BUFFERING
Judge rules platform is a public nuisance; company responds by nuisance-ing harder, but with a landing page.
A New Mexico judge this week ordered Meta to pay $567 million into a youth mental health remediation fund after ruling the company's platforms constitute a public nuisance, a legal term normally reserved for toxic waste dumps and leaf blowers before 8 a.m. Financial analysts noted the fine amounts to roughly four hours of global ad revenue, or, in teenager time, about one and a half doomscrolls.
The company unveiled its remediation fund landing page within hours, featuring an infinite-scroll donor wall, autoplay testimonials that cannot be skipped, and a progress bar permanently frozen at 94% completion 'to keep users engaged with the healing process.' A/B testing is reportedly underway to determine whether guilt or nostalgia drives higher click-through on the apology banner.
"This is a wake-up call," said Meta spokesperson Jules Renner, reading from a phone she checked four times during the interview, "and we have already optimized the snooze button for ages 13 to 17. We take this ruling extremely seriously, which is why we've allocated a team to make sure the outrage cycle around it has a satisfying, shareable arc. Studies show a well-designed controversy holds attention 40% longer than an actual apology."
