PENTAGON PUTS TOMAHAWKS ON WISHLIST, REFRESHES CHECKOUT PAGE HOURLY
Officials insist stockpiles are 'strategically fine' while quietly cold-calling every defense contractor with a working phone line.
Acquisition officials have reportedly begun contacting missile manufacturers with the calm, measured energy of a parent trying to snag the last gaming console before Christmas, except the gift in question detonates and costs roughly the GDP of a small nation. A leaked internal memo, marked URGENT / TOMAHAWK / ANY COLOR, was reportedly followed by a second memo asking if expedited shipping was available and whether military discounts stack with existing military discounts.
A widely circulated warehouse photo showed a single pallet sitting alone under fluorescent lights, captioned simply: strategic depth (backordered). A defense-contractor spokesperson confirmed demand is at an all-time high. 'We're prioritizing,' the rep said. 'Everyone wants interceptors right now. Have you considered a nice waitlist confirmation email? We'll notify you the moment restocking begins, probably Q3.'
The administration has firmly denied any shortage exists, a claim delivered in the same tone people use right before asking if anyone has a spare twenty until payday. Analysts note the Pentagon is reportedly exploring two-day shipping options and briefly considered a loyalty rewards program offering one free interceptor for every ten purchased. Officials stressed the nation's arsenal remains fully stocked, just, for the moment, mostly in spirit.
