DOW CASTS BINDING BALLOT FOR WORLD PEACE, WINS IN LANDSLIDE

Stock futures rocketed skyward overnight after President Trump signaled a pause on Iran strikes, and anchorman Ron Rugundy wasted no time certifying the results. "The Dow has spoken, America," Rugundy announced, gripping his desk like a man who'd just been handed exit-poll numbers. "Hundreds of points. That's not a rally, that's a mandate. Peace won in a landslide, and frankly, I think it carried the suburbs too." When a producer whispered that the underlying deal was, technically, still theoretical, Rugundy waved him off with the confidence of a man who has never once been corrected on live television and does not intend to start now.

Down on the exchange floor, trader Chip Rally was located mid-purchase, buying call options with one hand while checking a mood ring with the other. "I went long on pure vibes and a presidential adjective," Rally explained, holding the ring up to the light as it glowed a confident blue. "Fundamentals don't get sounder than that." Rugundy, watching the footage from the anchor desk, nodded gravely. "That's what real technical analysis looks like, people. Not spreadsheets. Rings." A market strategist reached for comment, identified only as Dr. Barry Ledger of the Institute for Extremely Provisional Optimism, offered: "Geopolitical risk premiums can evaporate and reappear within the same news cycle, which is either great for markets or the entire premise of this segment."

Pressed on what happens if the ceasefire theory doesn't pan out and oil prices snap back, Rugundy assured viewers he would address it immediately — in a segment his own control room has scheduled for a slot labeled, in the rundown, "vibes pending, sometime this week, probably." "I'm not going to sugarcoat this," Rugundy said, sugarcoating it. "I don't know how. What I do know is the market has voted, the vote is final, and if it changes its mind later that's a separate, unrelated vote that we'll get to eventually." He then closed with a hearty, unearned thumbs-up directly into the camera, which several viewers mistook for a candlestick chart.