META ORDERED TO PAY $567 MILLION, FOUND IN COMPANY COUCH CUSHIONS BY THURSDAY
A landmark court ruling over kids' mental health harms is being absorbed by Meta the way a whale absorbs a gnat with a grudge.
A New Mexico judge ordered Meta to pay $567 million for knowingly damaging the mental health of an entire generation, a sum the company reportedly located behind the couch cushions of the metaverse while searching for a dropped headset controller. Financial analysts note the fine amounts to roughly one Tuesday's ad revenue, or as one insider put it, "the change Zuckerberg keeps in a jar labeled 'oopsies.'"
The company's official statement, which took the form of a heartfelt apology sandwiched between two newly announced Reels features engineered to maximize teen screen time past midnight, was reportedly A/B tested for maximum sincerity per click. "We take children's mental health with the utmost seriousness," said Meta spokesperson Brant Feely, thumb visibly twitching toward his own phone mid-interview, "which is why our next update includes a streak counter for consecutive hours of doomscrolling. Kids love streaks. It's basically gamified healing."
Child psychologists reached for comment expressed cautious optimism about the ruling's new safeguards, including mandatory deletion of under-13 accounts, before each quietly checking a notification, scrolling for eleven minutes, and forgetting what they were asked. "This is a real turning point," said Dr. Loraine Kessup of the Institute for Adolescent Attention Spans, glancing up from a video of a raccoon eating spaghetti. "Sorry, what were we talking about? Anyway, huge win for kids."
