MICHIGAN DEMOCRATS STAGE CAGE MATCH OVER WHO GETS TO BE 3% MORE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU
Two nearly identical candidates battle for the soul of the party, last seen in a Lansing lost-and-found.
Voters across five states shuffled to the polls today, but all cable eyes turned to Michigan, where the Democratic Senate primary has escalated into what Ron Rugundy called "a civil war so nuanced it requires subtitles, a translator, and possibly a grief counselor." The race pits a progressive challenger against a moderate incumbent in what network graphics tastefully labeled a split-screen showdown: "Slightly Higher Capital Gains" versus "Slightly Higher Capital Gains But Meaner Tweets."
"This is a battle for the soul of the party," said Democratic strategist Lila Voss, still clutching both candidates' nearly identical yard signs like a woman unsure which twin she raised. "That soul last checked in at a lost-and-found in Lansing under the name 'Moderately Progressive.' Nobody's claimed it. There's a $20 fee now." Voss added that the real ideological gulf between the candidates "could fit inside a rounding error," but insisted voters take it very seriously anyway, mostly by yelling at each other on Facebook.
