WHITE HOUSE STUNNED TO LEARN OIL COMPANIES PROFIT WHEN OIL IS EXPENSIVE
President demands cheaper gas and bigger corporate profits, insists both are achievable through tone of voice alone.
The President took to social media this week to blast ExxonMobil and Chevron for posting a combined $26.5 billion in quarterly profits, a discovery White House aides reportedly greeted with the shock of a man who has just invented rain. Officials say the President was 'deeply troubled' to learn that when the price of oil goes up, companies that sell oil make more money, a pattern economists have observed continuously since roughly the Nixon administration.
Internal slides obtained by our newsroom show both companies still using an investor deck slide labeled 'Prices Up → Profits Up,' unchanged since 1973, apparently included in this quarter's board meeting purely out of nostalgia. 'We regret to inform the President that this is the assignment,' said fictional Exxon spokesperson Grant Petro. 'If he wants cheap gas and sad oil executives, he's going to need a new law of supply and demand, and frankly our lobbyists have already looked into it and it's not available.' Chevron, for its part, issued a statement thanking the President for the free advertising.
