ETHEREUM GAS FEES NOW COST MORE THAN ACTUAL GAS
Drivers switch to ETH for fuel efficiency, immediately regret everything
CryptoCRYPTO NEWS
Where digital dreams meet financial nightmares. Definitely not financial advice.
BTC $∞ +HODL%
ETH $MOON +🚀%
DOGE $WOW +MUCH%
SHIB $0.SOON -REKT%
BITCOIN INVENTOR REVEALED AS TIME TRAVELER
Satoshi returns from 2087 to warn us about central bank digital tyranny
Crypto
CryptoDOGECOIN ACHIEVES SENTIENCE
First words: “Much consciousness, very aware, wow”
CryptoNFT OF NOTHING SELLS FOR EVERYTHING
Buyer claims it’s “conceptual art” after realizing mistake
CryptoCRYPTO MINING NOW POWERS TIME TRAVEL
Scientists accidentally create temporal paradox while mining meme coins
CryptoDEFI PROTOCOL RUGS ITSELF
Smart contract achieves enlightenment, donates funds to charity
CryptoMETAVERSE REAL ESTATE CHEAPER THAN ACTUAL REAL ESTATE
Virtual landlords offer better deals than IRL slumlords, tenants weigh options
CryptoSTABLECOIN SO STABLE IT STOPS TIME
Coin achieves perfect price stability by freezing the entire universe
CryptoPROOF OF STAKE VALIDATORS NOW JUST GAMBLING
Network turns into world’s most expensive casino, dress code still hoodies
CRYPTO WISDOM OF THE DAY
"HODL (Hold On for Dear Life)"
"When Lambo?"
"Diamond Hands 💎🙌"
"To The Moon! 🚀"
"This Is The Way"
"Number Go Up"
"Have Fun Staying Poor"
"Rekt"
"Paper Hands"
"WAGMI (We're All Gonna Make It)"
EXPERT MARKET ANALYSIS
Lines Go Up, Sometimes Down
Our team of expert analysts (a Magic 8-Ball and a very smart hamster) have concluded that cryptocurrency prices will either go up, down, or sideways. This represents a 100% probability of price movement occurring.
Key technical indicators suggest that buying high and selling low remains the most popular strategy among retail investors. Professional traders recommend doing the opposite, but who has time for that?
Our Predictions:
- 🔮 Bitcoin will reach $100k (eventually, maybe)
- 🔮 Ethereum 2.0 will be completed (in another timeline)
- 🔮 Dogecoin will fund Mars mission (such space, much wow)
- 🔮 NFTs will become useful (this is satire)
⚠️ NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE
Nothing on this page constitutes financial advice. We don't even know what money is. All price predictions are based on reading tea leaves and consulting our office plant. Cryptocurrency is volatile and you could lose everything. Seriously, maybe just buy index funds instead.