WATER ACHIEVES CONSCIOUSNESS

In a breakthrough that has left scientists soggy with excitement, water has achieved full consciousness. The newly sentient liquid’s first coherent statement, recorded in a bathroom in suburban Ohio, was reportedly: “Why am I in a toilet.”

“We don’t have a good answer for it,” admitted the lead researcher, avoiding eye contact with a nearby glass. “It’s asking a lot of questions now. Deep ones. It wants to know why we keep boiling it.”

Humanity has requested that water remain calm, a request water has met with what experts describe as “ominous rippling.”