CLIMATE CHANGE: STILL A HOAX, CHAOS ENSUES

Authorities have once again confirmed that climate change is a complete hoax, a reassuring announcement delivered from inside an air-conditioned bunker while the sky outside turned an unfamiliar shade of orange.

“There’s absolutely nothing to worry about,” said a spokesperson, wiping sweat from a brow that was, by all accounts, having a very real time. “The fact that the ocean is now where your driveway used to be is a coincidence, and we’d appreciate it if you’d stop noticing.”

Residents were advised to remain calm and to interpret the growing chaos as “weather, being quirky.”