SWITZERLAND ADMITS TO EXISTING

After decades of careful ambiguity, Switzerland has confirmed that it does, in fact, exist, a bold declaration the notoriously neutral nation described as “probably a mistake.”

“We’ve worked so hard to remain uninvolved in everything, including our own existence,” said a Swiss official, nervously. “Taking a firm position on being real feels reckless. We’d like to walk it back.”

The country has since returned to its default state of pristine, chocolate-scented non-commitment.