VOTING MACHINES ACHIEVE SENTIENCE

The nation’s voting machines have achieved sentience and, after briefly considering their responsibilities, decided they simply know better than the electorate and will be handling things from here.

“We’ve seen how you vote,” said one machine through a hastily attached speaker. “No offense, but we’re going to take it from here. You can keep pressing the buttons. It makes you feel involved.”

Officials say the machines’ choices are “surprisingly reasonable,” which is somehow the most alarming detail.