GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES AIR NOW PREMIUM SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE

In an exciting update to the human experience, the government has announced that air will now be offered as a tiered subscription service. A basic breathing plan remains free, officials stressed, at least until the next fiscal quarter.

“The free tier gets you standard atmospheric air, which is fine,” a spokesperson explained. “But for a modest monthly fee, Premium Oxygen unlocks richer, more satisfying breaths, plus the ability to breathe on holidays.”

Citizens who fail to pay will not be denied air, officials clarified, merely reminded of the outstanding balance with every inhale.