ELECTION RESULTS PREDETERMINED

Officials have reassured the public that this year’s election results were determined well in advance, a move they describe as “efficient” and “a real time-saver for everyone involved.” Voters are still encouraged to vote, purely for the cardio.

“Why wait for the count when we already know the answer?” asked one election administrator, filing the results under “inevitable.” “Think of the suspense we’re saving you. You’re welcome.”

Democracy, officials insist, is working exactly as intended, which is the part that should worry you.