NEW LAW: THINKING IS NOW PARTISAN

Under sweeping new legislation, the act of thinking has been officially classified as a partisan activity, requiring all citizens to register their thoughts with a designated side before having them.

“There’s no such thing as a neutral opinion anymore,” announced a lawmaker. “Even wondering what’s for dinner is now a political statement, and we’d encourage you to wonder responsibly.”

Independent thinkers were last seen fleeing to the woods, where thought remains, for now, unregulated.