LOBBYISTS NOW OFFICIALLY SENATORS

In a bold streamlining measure, lobbyists have been formally granted the title of Senator, eliminating the tedious step of first influencing a Senator and then waiting for them to act.

“We were basically writing the legislation anyway,” said one newly minted lawmaker, still holding a briefcase full of persuasion. “Now we just skip the awkward lunch and the pretending.”

Supporters call it the most honest thing government has done in years, which they admit is a very low bar.