CAMPAIGN PROMISES NOW LEGALLY FICTION

A landmark ruling has officially reclassified all campaign promises as works of fiction, allowing candidates to say literally anything without the burden of ever meaning it.

“It’s a relief, honestly,” said one candidate, promising free helicopters to every household. “Now I can dream big without the paralyzing fear of accountability.”

Bookstores have begun shelving political platforms in the fantasy section, where librarians say they’ve always belonged.