WHY EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND IT’S YOUR FAULT

Let me be perfectly clear: everything wrong with the world today can be traced directly back to you, personally, and your many baffling choices. I have never been wrong, and I’m not about to start now.

I’ve done the research, by which I mean I felt strongly about something in the shower this morning. The conclusion was inescapable and, frankly, damning. You know what you did.

In closing, I’d like to remind readers that my opinions are facts, my facts are vibes, and my vibes are non-negotiable.