CELEBRITY DOES NORMAL THING, WORLD SHOCKED
Sources confirm they also breathe oxygen and occasionally blink
SEEKING NEW ANCHORMAN TO LEAD LIVE NEWS COVERAGE FOR TRUSTUS NEWS
Must have strong jaw, convincing voice, and flexible relationship with truth
TrustUs News is proud to announce an open casting call for the most important position in fabricated journalism: the face that will look directly into a camera and say things with total confidence. Candidates must possess a jaw capable of withstanding studio lighting, a voice that could sell ice to penguins, and a relationship with the truth best described as “on-again, off-again.”
“We’re not looking for someone who reports the news,” said a spokesperson who asked to be identified only as “Management.” “We’re looking for someone who performs the news, ideally while maintaining eye contact with several million people who should know better.”
Interested applicants should submit a headshot, a reel of themselves saying “developing story” ominously, and a signed waiver acknowledging that no story on this network has ever developed into anything.
