MLB CLOSER'S ENTRANCE SONG NOW LONGER THAN HIS ACTUAL OUTING

Stadium officials confirmed Tuesday that the elite reliever's entrance sequence — a full brass fanfare, strobe lighting, and a slow-motion jog from the bullpen — now clocks in at four minutes and twelve seconds, while his actual pitching appearance averages just under ninety seconds. 'We've optimized the experience,' said the team's Vice President of Fan Atmosphere. 'The music is the product now. The saves are basically a bonus feature.'

Fans in the stands reported standing, screaming, and recording video on their phones for the entrance, only to sit back down confused when the closer got three quick outs and walked off before the trumpet loop even finished its second chorus. 'I paid for a moment,' said one season ticket holder. 'I did not expect the moment to end before my nachos arrived.'

League officials are reportedly exploring a rule change requiring closers to pitch for a duration proportional to their entrance music, with one commissioner spokesperson calling the current ratio 'an insult to the trumpet section.' The closer himself declined to comment, citing that he was already back in the clubhouse before reporters could reach the mound.